xchrisem

so today i hung out with lginn after not seeing her for about a week. i know wtf?! but she was sick. :[ it made me sad, but at least we got to spend time together. i put in her weave, and we got maddd food and stuff. all i wanna do is go shopping now. lol.

hopefully tomorrow we'll have a classy day and stuff. but i gotta do my laundry and stuff. so yeahhhhh.

well that's my entry. it's lame i know. i never know what to say in these things...hahahaha.

I don't know why you like me. I can't fathom the thought of why anyone would EVER want to be friends with me, appreciate me, or even stand to look or be near me. Most of the time I act like everything is all good and dandy, but the truth is, my self-esteem is so low that I hate myself.

When I think about it, I think I'm the most ugliest person in the world. My personality sucks, and I have just about zero talent. Sure, most of you think I dress nice, but I feel like I can do so much better. Some of you think I'm actually funny, and I think I say things that are just ridiculous and stupid. Then there are people who are far more talented at singing and dancing than me, you and I both know it.

Then there is the most stupid reason as to why I feel like I have the majority of my friends. Now before I say it I just wanted to let my close friends (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) know that this doesn't include you. I'm talking about the people who barely know me, and just know my name. The only reason why I feel like any of you are, or want to be friends with me is because of the fact that I'm gay. Now, we can sit and argue and bring up a lot of other gay guys that attend AHS or even are in the area, but let's be real here. I'm not like those guys. I have a reputation and a certain persona that you all see, and you just think it's cool to have a gay friend who's a.) an upper classman b.) who's "fashionable" & c.) has a lot of "friends". So here's a message to all of you underclassmen. I'm not interested, and I'm not as cool as you think.

Here is the real me.

I make awkward and stupid comments. I like to dance obnoxiously. My favorite outfit is a white shirt and skinny jeans. I would rather watch cartoons then actual sitcoms. I'm scared of snakes. I hate being at home. I like taking naps. Sometimes, I pick my nose. I fart, and I'll admit it when I do. I don't speak to my parents. The only person in my family that I talk to is my sister, Tyra. Everyone else are just cousins of mine. I've gotten kicked out of the house...twice. I know how to use tools. I mow the lawn. I helped my dad renovate the house. I'm currently learning how to change oil in a car. I never wanna get my driver's license. I'm not spoiled. I bought almost everything I own. I'm constantly grounded. & last but not least, I used to be a cutter because of the deep depression I felt I had.

Hmmm, so I just read this entire entry. Let me break this down for you: I hate myself, I question why you're friends with me, or want to be friends with me, I hate underclassmen, and then I explained the real me. I love the friends I have now, my family (sister & cousins) mean everything to me, and I can only work my ass off to be as great of a person as the next guy.

It finally hit me that school isn't for everyone, and what we really should be focused on is doing what we feel is right for ourselves and what would benefit us.

This doesn't mean that I'm dropping out, because I'm not. It just means that now I know there are more options in life.

It's funny though. School isn't for me and I know that. But, the only reason I stay there is because my dad's only wish is to see me walk. I can't mess up anymore. I have to make my dad proud. & work on making my future what I feel it has the potential to be.

PS: I might be going to school for political science, but deep in my heart I'll always wanna make music.

i finally spent time with lauren ginn, and we're applying everywhere! well, she is at least...lol.

school was kind of a bitch. mr. maynard can sucka  big one. i hate him so much! he's a little obnoxious and i can't stand the thought of him actually "teaching" a class.
pathetic.

afterschool, lauren and i hung out at her house for a bit where we were catching up on life, and then we decided to go job hunting since she got fired, and i quit a long while before that. i grabbed three applications, while lauren grabbed 900 million. kayla castro also joined us, and the three of us were cute teenagers looking for work. lol.

i also went to patriot place for the first time. it's pretty nice, but i kinda expected more. it was also completely dead. i saw a total of two other people working making it a grand total of five people actually at the mall. lol.

lauren also informed me of her and her boyfriend. IT WAS TOO CUTE. i really really really envy their relationship at this point. i want a lover not a friend. :[
well, i guess i'll have to wait it out for a bit.

ps: i got new jeansssss! :]

even when i'm grounded, i don't care. i'm still gonna live my life the way i want to.

so today at school was interesting. this whole time change was GREAT! i loved it so much.
i finally got to sit and talk to jess and on top of that maddie has the lunch too!

maynard's class is a drag, especially since betsey wasn't in class. i had a test in ecology, matthew's class was just an excuse to socialize, and i love love love mr boone. he's my favorite guy ever.

after school i was supposed to go to detention, but that wasn't my style, so i stayed after for mr matthews and did some good old recycling for community service. :] and i got a note, so i don't have to go to session anymore.
then i saw pauline and emily walk by and i just had to stop them and hang out with them for a while. i love my girlfriend, and pauline is the biggest sweetheart.

oh and jesse medeiros signed me up for attleboro idol. what?! i guess i'm doing it.

well tomorrow i have auditions. WISH ME LUCK!

ps: i can't wait for homecoming!

I tried to play it off and even acted like I didn't care when you were with guys.
But of course I cared...and now I'm not sure how I feel. I've repressed my feelings for a while...but today you changed my mind.

The other guys don't matter, especially since you and I have never had sex with each other.
You were the one that was different. I know that I was different than your guys too.

So the last thing you said to me was I love you.
So the only I can say to you now is, I love you.